I told y’all that I’d send in my journal scan! And here it is. I decided to meander away from the usual journal fare, and this is the result. The big flower in the middle isn’t actually a real type of flower, as I drew it from my head. It’s nice to see where creativity takes you, isn’t it? 

This is my engagement ring. Or, honestly, the ring I want when my significant other proposes to me. It’s perfect. It’s large, opulent, romantic. I’m sooo in love with it. Hehehe, I just love planning my romantic future. 

Okay, I posted this in a wedding forums, so that explains the wedding note.

Current Mood: lazy
Current Music: Tamashii no Refrain

Not wedding related.

Okay, I need to vent.

I hate it how people get jealous of me because I’m skinny. Before you guys go off and tell me to start thanking my lucky stars, I should tell you that it’s not any easier than being obese. Whether you’re fat or thin, people are always judging you and I’m sick of it. Even my friends are like this.

I have 21″ waist that can go to 13″ in a corset. I wear size 1 and 3 junior jeans. I have a 34D cup. All of my friends are constantly complaining about how lucky I am, blah blah blah. Well it’s not fun being pulled in by several nurses and phychologists asking me if I’m anorexic. Or people constantly whispering behind my back that I’m bulimic. How else could I eat as much as I do and not gain weight? Well, I’ll tell them, it’s because of my metabolism and nothing else. It’s not fun eating as much as I do because if I don’t I’ll pass out. Skip one meal and I’m a goner.
Also, for the life of me I can’t find clothes or bras. Because I’m so petite, I have back problems. I’m just so gosh darn sick of people telling me how great my life is because I “have the perfect body”. Well, I don’t. Also, just because I’m petite, people say that I’m some stuck up model or something. Well, I’m not a model, and I get blamed for all of the expectations society puts on women to be skinny. Sorry but it’s NOT MY FAULT that supermodels are skinny. I’m not a supermodel I’m a person so stop blaming me because such and such clothing line doesn’t carry such and such size. Sometimes it makes me want to scream.

Okay, glad that I let that out. Whew.

Current Mood: tired
Current Music: Sound of the whirlling CPU

Today will be my first day as a Junior Auxiliary Volunteer at the hospital. I’m tired, and up wwwaaayyy too early for my usual tastes, but it should prove to be interesting and fun.

The only things that I’m worried about are as follows:

1) That I will get lost/Won’t be able to find my way around
–I have a horrible sense of direction, and a hospital with corridors that look identical and signs that are off seem to encourage it.

2) That I’ll get heatstroke on the way back home
–I have to walk back home at 11:00 am, precisely when it’s the hottest, and it’s reaching about 105 farenheit these days. Plus I’m wearing these nylon/rayon/spandex pants that will not breathe at all, and I’m on Accutane, so I get burnst easily.

I need a car.

So, maybe later today, I’ll post about my experience. And scan in my latest journal entry. Someone on Purple_Ink scanned theirs in (for the life of me, I cannot remember who), and I was really impressed. Especially liked the coffee cup one. So I did one of my own that features so misc flower. I rather like it. It’s random, it’s sooo me, and it’s very close to my heart.

Is there some sort of blog service that lets you take pictures of your desktop to post with the entries? I’ve seen lots of people do that but I never want to just take screenshots and thumbnails everytime I make an entry. I know, I’m lazy aren’t I? Ah, well, then again I’m up at 6:45 in the morning. Not that I have a choice. But I’m still up.

Current Mood: peaceful
Current Music: Verdi– Grand March from Aida

When I was younger, I’m not sure how old, I first heard the TLC song “Waterfall”, or whatever it is exactly titled. You know, the one that goes “don’t go chasin’ after waterfalls, listen to the rivers and the lakes that you used to…” To me, it always had to message not to chase after things that were irrelevant for not satifying. I turn around every day and I see so many people seeking out success, and money, and it’s not furfilling. It’s not real.

You know, I’m content. I’m not exactly happy, because happiness comes and flows. But I’m content with my life, I’m okay with who I am and who I can be, and how I’m conducting my business. I’m content because I know that I’m living, for me, for God, for all of the right reasons. I’m content because I realize that happiness doesn’t come from a situation, but in indiscreet moments, like when my Mom, brother and I are all joking in the car about the new Shrek 2 movie, or sitting outside with a glass full of iced tea, with the cubes clinking leisurely, enjoying the movement of the wooden swing, and the sounds of the birds. Just looking around and appreciating what’s there, instead of feel dissatified that I’m not a billionare or a movie star, that I don’t have perfect breasts and thighs, and that my colorist didn’t get my roots.

Because, honestly, what about perfection satifies us? Nothing, because such a thing doesn’t exist. How can you learn, and experience, a perfect thing? You can’t. Flaws are real, they are human, they are part of each of us and they can be our strengths instead of our vices.

I’m looking around at everything and going “it’s okay.” I have people that love me, I have food, I have shelter, and I have beauty and all that I need to be able to furfill myself. I don’t need money to do that, I don’t need a hot body or an amazing career. In the end, the only person I need to answer to is myself and God, and as long as I live my life with integrity, I know that I can pass that test. So screw what anyone else says. I’m me, I’m satified, and that should be enough for anybody.

This is my first entry in a livejournal. I’ve wanted one for quite a while, but hesitated because of the stigma that I had attached to having an online journal. Having a blog is both a private and public thing. Public because anyone in the world can read it, and private because the activity is conducted from the privacy of a home computer.

I had my piano lesson today, and I sightread the Secondo part of a duet with the teacher. For some reason I kept drifting away and missing the notes. That’s very unlike me, because when I usually ‘drift away’ I just got onto autopilot and execute everything perfectly. Today it felt like a white veil of mist of placed in front of my face, and it shrouded all of my musical abilities. Even playing the practiced peices, I stumbled more than I should have, and it wasn’t from the shock of having to move from my home piano the the teacher’s one, because I’m comfortable with his piano and know it as thoroughly as I know my own. Luckily, he didn’t notice because I kept the tempo slow and I can bludger through anything and make it seem at least acceptable. It’s nice to be at that stage, where I can go from lesson to lesson and not practice anything and make seem like I have, but when I do put in the effort to practice every week and I go to a lesson like this one and everything seems jumbled and my fingers behave like a novice’s… Well, it’s more than frustrating. And to hear myself mutilate Handel’s Passacaile, when I know that I can make it sound like a blushing bride is walking down the isle when I play the second variation right– I know that I can play so much better than this, and it’s just so incredibly frustrating not the show the teacher what I’m really capable when it comes to this piece. His only complaint was that I had not picked up the speed on it, but the truth was that I had– because my fingers were so clumsy I had dropped the tempo so that my sluggish brain could actually process the music. It was downright mortifying. I’m so fed up with my playing right now that I probably won’t practice for a few days, other than the sightread.

This is the downside of being a piano player. Ah, well, c’est la vie!