Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Sahara Hotnights– Alright Alright

I know that there are a lot of things that I probably should be posting on, but they can wait.

Y’know, have you ever heard a song, and just got carried away? Classical, jpop, or whatever? Today, I just can’t seem to get away from songs like that. From Sahara Hotnights’ “Alright Alright”, which makes me just want to jump up and play an air guitar, to L’arc~en~ciel’s “Hitomi no Jyuunin”, to Utada Hikaru’s “Deep River”, to Ayumi Hamasaki’s new “Inspire”, to the one song that just took me away from everything– Yano Maki’s “Ashburn”.

Something about these songs just picks me up and takes me away.

I used to dream about being a big star, a singer. But that was crushed when I never got solos in choir, and my own mother told me that I “sucked”. Her words. Not mine. Boy, was I hurt. I still sing in choir. In my opinion, I’m pretty damn good. Apparently my choir teacher thinks so as well because I’m in an audition choir. But… Whenever someone says something bad about my singing, I get really uptight. I should have more of a tough skin, I suppose. But, when your own MOTHER tells you that you suck, at the tender age of 13, it can really hurt. It still hurts. Later, she told me that she was lying, I was good, but she wanted to discourage me from “that life”. The life of a musician. Like I was going to go out and start injecting Speed into myself while doing night shows in seed clubs.

She’s so sheltered.

That’s a weird thing to say about your own mother, but it’s true. She has no concept of the “real world” what people are like, how they react… She’s so clueless. Why do I think that she married my dad?

What would I know about that anyway? If she was my own mother, wouldn’t I be sheltered? Well, she may be my mother, but I grew up with my father as well. Emotional, verbal, and physical abuse makes you grow up real fast. Plus, half of my childhood my mother wasn’t even around. She was a workaholic, and so I basically took care of my brother. Oh, Dad helped out, of course. He dropped up off, picked us off, took up to the doctor, and bought frozen TV dinners. So I took on just about everything emotional involving my brother.

You just see things as how they are. You just go out into the world and look at it, and experience things. I’m not sheltered, I never wanted to be. I glimpsed a cold reality at four and up, and I didn’t soon forget it.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my parents dearly, and wouldn’t trade them for the world. But just because I have parents who love me, and feed me, that doesn’t mean that they can’t get so wrapped up in themselves that they forget that they even have kids. That they have problems that stem from their own childhoods.

Life with people that love you is not always posies and rainbows. Because sometimes they don’t love you enough. Enough to care, enough to stop their behavoir, their addictions. Even love can be flawed.

No human is perfect, and thus their love wouldn’t be either. Learning to love unconditionally is a continuous process. Sometimes, before you love your kids right, you have to love your spouse right. Sometimes before you love your spouse right, you have to love yourself.

Another journal scan. You can see the change in my mood from the top 3/4 of it to the bottom. Bottom, I was angry and not feeling like I wanted to punch someone. You can see how everything is so messy? Top I was fine, and just wanted to explore an aesthetic, of sorts. I love drawing my journals, and anyway, it’s the most descent of any drawing that I’ve done lately, this scan. 

Have you ever had one of those days where you feel like nothing even stops? Not for play or fun, but just work, work, work? Continuously? Today was like that. I got up at 6:30, left for the hospital (I’m a candystriper) at 7:40, started my “shift” at eight, ended at 11:00, worked on Driver’s ed homework until noon, ate lunch, went to Drivers Ed until 4:00, walked home in the heat till 4:20, practiced piano until 5:50, and then sat down to work on the computer (checking e-mail, etc).

I’ll post longer about my second time working as a volunteer, and I need to post about VP Cheney’s visit, and my VIP Gold tickets (mmm, gold). That was an experience I’ll never forget. I don’t agree with the Bush Administration on a lot of things, but the point is that I can’t find a single thing to agree with Kerry on. Everytime I think I might he changes his opinion.

The point is, in a few minutes I’ll have to get up and clean our (my family’s and my) kitchen. It’s horrendous. It’s disgusting. And I didn’t even make the mess.

After that, it’s dinner and then more Driver’s Ed homework, and probably then to bed, since I got up earlier than usual this morning. It feels like I won’t get a breath to breathe. All I do is put my effort into things that aren’t particularlly satifying to me. I like working at the hospital, and I know that I need to take Driver’s Ed. But sometimes this stuff isn’t fun, invigorating, or exciting. I’m not trying to complain. I’m venting. This is the only time that I’ll have today to get out my thoughts and take a rest.