09.20.04
Heartbreak hotel…
I’ve put off blogging for a couple of days because 1: I was busy, and 2: there were are some serious problems in my life.
Probably my worst problem of all is with my long-term boyfriend of ten months, and some 3 years of unrequited love before that. So I finally have a relationship with him. Everything is peachy, but then he just stopped calling, stopped caring, it seemed. I guess I knew in my heart what was going on, but I erred on the side of optimism. To make a long story short, he cheated on me, and I’m heartbroken. I’m going between pure animal rage to pure despair and sadness. Because I love the person he was when we got together, and the person he is now is a stranger. Because I realize that he’s changed, in the worst sorts of ways, and when I look at him I realize that the person staring back at me is not the one I love. The person that I love is gone, perhaps forver. That person has metamorphsed into someone who doesn’t care enough for me to resist temptation.
It’s hard not to think “I’m not good enough”, but I know that I am good enough, he just isn’t. Not good enough to stick to a promise of a monogamous, long term relationship. My self-esteem has gone down, even though it’s not rational. But I’m over being rational right now. I’m sad and I’m going to nurse myself for a few days, before I get over it.
The second problem is the one of my younger brother who has again broken the house rules, and threw a huge fit when faced with punishment. It’s never nice to hear heart-rending bickering. And it interfered with my studying.
Beyond that, I have a small cold, and feel shaky with the chills. This whole weekend has had a dark quality to it, and the rumors that I heard from Jessica about Josh (my boyfriend-to-be-ex) seemed almost to prophecy to this fact.
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Anonymous said,
Tuesday, September 21, 2004 at 8:40 am
Hi, Sailor Australia here. The fact that your boyfriend cheated on you…is…I dunno the word for it. I feel so sorry for you, even if I haven’t experienced anything like that. But you gotta move on, you know? It’ll be hard, but you’ve got a life to live, and you gotta focus more on other things. And there’s bound to be someone who will be committed to you and will always love you. I hope that makes you feel better, Amy. If not…well, I just hope everything goes well afterwards. Bye, Amy.