The Jawa Report has a story which leaves an acrid taste in my mouth. Feh, being a judge these days is like being a University professor with tenure and a gavel.

I can’t believe I’m writing this.

Absolutely cannot believe it. For my poor, unsuspecting readers who were looking for something political, some chewing out of Putin; some wry remark on the middle east– you will be disappointed with this entry.

Maybe it’s because I’m so tired– 4 hours of sleep in the last week would do that to you. Perhaps its the fact that its late at night, I’m listening to nostalgic classical music, and feeling lonely. Maybe it’s because I’m a romantic sap who desperately wants a boyfriend, but the fact of the matter is that I’ve got Phantom on my mind.

Yes, you read correctly. Phantom. THE Phantom. The Phantom of the Opera, of course. The amazing hunky-sexy-dark-tormented-needed-desperately-to-be-loved-and-adored-by-an-understanding-woman-such-as-myself
Phantom of the Opera, played by Gerald Butler. The image of Etienne in the Sailormoon fanfiction “Fantastic Journey”. Now, I’m streching it a bit here, but tall and dark and tormented, right? Add Severus Snape to the list. Yes, yes, I’m talking about the character in Harry Potter, who I know needs someone to show him compassion and squeeze him tight.

I want a man like that. Yes, like that. I don’t want some naive boy for a husband (when I get one– if I get one– ever), I want someone who has stared down the worst that life can offer, and walked out of it; damaged, but still there. Still living; still accepting possiblity. I don’t think I could stand it otherwise. There are so many different parts of myself– odd as this may sound, I have to write it– so many experiences and secrets and yearnings and wounds that have never been discovered by another human being before. The idea of a monogamous significant other is emmensely pleasing to me. I want to find someone who has been through some of the things I have– someone who is not sheltered, but who can truly empathize. I want to get married, and give myself away, heart, mind, body, soul– everything that I am, out in the open, up to trust. There’s not a lot of trust in my life, right now. To be honest, that why I want the tormented kind. Someone who understands the pain of betrayel. Someone who wouldn’t ever do that to me. Someone who could understand, to hold me, and let me cry, and shush me, and stroke my hair, and kiss my tears away. I want someone who will feel with me. I just– I have this unexplicable desire– to share myself with someone else– to be loved and understood and cared for in all the recesses of my soul and spirit. If I could someone who could love me, me, with my controlling ways, my sharp tongue, my mood swings, my perfectionism, my strange fancies… Someone who could see something beyond the flaws, not be scared by the assertiveness and the brain, someone who actually looked me in the face instead of talking to my chest (grr)… Honestly, though… I’m not sure I’ll ever find anyone interested. I’m an eclectic creature; an aquired taste, but I grow sweeter and better like a vintage wine as the years go on. There’s a catch, always– I’m one those “prudes” these days who demand complete monogamy and who won’t go to bed until I have the signed marriage contract. I demand respect. But then again, respect is something we should demand of everyone, even ourselves? I don’t understand why the requirement of not being a toy; a plaything is so abhorrent to so many guys these days.

Even if I were to find the “perfect” guy (perfect for me, anyways), I’m not sure that I‘d be ready to commit, awful as that sounds. A year ago that wasn’t the case– I did commit and gave the guy my heart. To this day, I’m not so sure I have it back. He wants me to return, and in some ways I want to go back. But he broke my trust on every level; and no matter how much it hurts, I’m worth enough to know… That that’s not healthy. I care about him so much… But the things he’s done mean that I can’t… Pick up after him anymore. I love to give; I want a relationship where I can give and give and give everything that I am– but I want the same in return. Love, its supposed to be a partnership, right? I want someone to share the load that sometimes seems unbearable, and I will carry theirs. I can be someone’s wife, girlfriend, lover… But I can’t be their saviour. An inspiration for a better life, a change, a companion through the pain, a friend with a shoulder to cry on, a lover with welcoming arms, but not a saviour! We choose our destinies; I refuse to choose for someone else. I struggle enough with mine. I would love to a shining star, a beacon of hope, a catalyst, but not the means to the end, I want to be the end. I want the desire of his heart to be that of waking up next to me everyday for the rest of his life.

I have commitment problems of my own, I suppose. This is attributed to the fact that every single one of the men I have cared for in my life (fathers, brothers, the one boyfriends, some friends) have betrayed and broke my trust. As unfair as this is, there are some days when I hate men. I’m not a toy, nor am I glass, fragile to the touch. I’m not a museum piece to be admired, I’m not a dish to be sampled, I am not a convience! I am a father’s daughter, not his vicarious clone, I am an ex-girlfriend, not an alternative option, I am a friend, not a benefit, I’m a sister, not a scapegoat. With experiences… I sometimes feel like I’ll never be able to fully trust a man again. Don’t misunderstand me, I’ve been hurt by women too, but less often, and less deeply. Another reason what I want the dark type– someone who will nurse my hurts, and I, his.

But this idea of love– it really is a phantom, isn’t it? An evanescence, a shadow… There’s no one there, no one to share anything with. Until I find that person– if I ever do– I’m stuck with my fantasies.

Austin Bay has an excellent chewing on the South American summit, and some interesting comments on Hugo Chavez, who has been building up his army with an arms deal with (who else?) Russia for Kalashnikovs and some helicoptors. Watch out for this guy, he’ll be definite trouble with Cuba, Panama, and Columbia.

StrategyPage has a good post on armour for the military, and it seems that Washington is finally catching up to the fact that we need to armour up.

Gee, I could have (and I’m sure many other bloggers could have as well) told them that before we invaded Iraq. But why in the world should we pay for tanks when we could be putting that money in social security?

When you’re in a warzone, you have to be able to trust your equipment. While Rumsfeld was right (we go in with the army we have…), we still need to do our best to get the army and amour we need as soon as we can.

Michelle Malkin has posted this whammy for all us to view. I think its a phenominal project, based on a quick scan, but you’ll have to read for yourself. I just finished up my AP Government exam, 6 hours long– 90 minutes of multiple choice and 200 minutes of free response essays. Icky.

The American Enterprise has a very good article on everything I think is wrong with colleges today– and why many American high school students aren’t exactly rushing with joy to the institutions of “higher education”.

US doubts iraq insurgents can keep it up. So do I– honestly, folks, there are only so many mujahedeen the world can produce in Iraq, and it seems like recruitment is dwindling faster than the US Army’s.

Speaking of Iraq, the US and Iraqis captured the supposed mastermind behind the attacks on Abu Gharaib prison last month. It’s always gives me a nice, fuzzy feeling when I logon and see news like this. Of course, Iraq is a reconstruction fiasco, right? It’s hurting the US so much that…

Gas prices are falling nationwide. Let’s hope they start falling in Oregon and California, who are up past three bucks per gallon. Especially for me, since I’m driving an old car that takes premium next year to school. Ouch.

An ex-general has returned to Lebanon. This is evidence that Syria is truly leaving Lebanon. It’s hard to believe that a few months ago, it was a dominated country, and then within a short period of time managed to rise up against Damascus.

The Ukraine admits to missle transfers. To Iran and China. Yep, Iran was nukes for peaceful reasons. That’s why they bought missles on the black market. Bush and Europe– including the Ukraine and some select former USSR satellites need to step it up on Iran. This BS has gone on long enough. Condi, if you’re reading this, I have some strongly worded speechs you could use.

The above is interesting because Ukraine now wants to build 11 nuclear reactors. Also because Iran already has and is making more yellowcake (aka weapons-grade enriched uranium). To the CIA, NRO, DoD, and all those lovely State Department intelligence people– I hope there are no holes in intelligence this time, because Iraq is one thing, but ayotollahs with warheads is quite another. My hope is that I will be hearing less of this in the news. Tell the diplomats to pull Russia and Iran away from their equally-beneficial embrace as well.

Speaking of Iran, again, here is a post from Homeland Security Blog on how we shouldn’t surrender cyberspace and lots of stuff on Iran if you just scroll down. And excert:

A secret, parallel military program to produce nuclear weapons may be behind Iran’s announcement yesterday that it will break its agreement to suspend uranium enrichment. Western intelligence agencies, including the CIA, suspect the Islamic republic has been hiding the program from the International Atomic Energy Agency’s inspectors during the last two years of negotiations.

Please, please, let there be CIA and black ops in Iran’s program. Please, please, please…

By the way, Hans Blix wants the US to bargain and give Tehran security garantees. Right. That’s a great idea– let Tehran sign a pretty piece of paper and saying their not enriching uranium, but let them keep what they want and make some deals along with it… Great idea, Hans. Of course, he’s talking about Isreal too, which is suspected to have some 200 warheads. But after the fiasco with Eygpt, Jordan, and whatnot, who can blame them? At least Israel talks to the US, and doesn’t demand that students stomp on the american flag, shout “death to America”, and accuse every American of being a covert agent.

The Saudis have “discovered” a new oil field. Did this have anything to do with Bush’s “man-date” with Prince Abdullah? I usually try to refrain from making tasteless comments, but some of the pictures were absolutely hilarious.

Hmm, what else connections are to be made? Oh yes, good news from Afghanistan. Afghani soldiers have started to take over security. Afghan Warrior details some of the arrests going on.
And 800 candidates have registered for the polls for the parliament and council, including some 109 women.

Finally, I suppose we’ll finish where we started. The US military is preparing for new raids near the Syrian border. The last few lead to the discovery of several caches, and the capture or killing of 109 terrorists. Go get ‘em. Also, there is pictures of a cache here. More details on the raids here. And finally, Carpe Bonum puts out a good plan for dealing with hostages– a plan that I concur completely with and hope is adopted soon.

Austin Bay has posted something good on Putin and the return of the USSR 2.0. It’s good stuff, you should check it out here. This is a highlight:

However, the other half of today’s Russia, made richer by the experiment of
perestroika, knows more about Stalin’s crimes than it did even 15 years ago.
Enlightened Russia affirms that we won the victory despite Stalin. It hates him
for his terror, his failure to prepare for war, his use of soldiers as cannon
fodder, and for much more besides. Enlightened Russia sees Stalinist
totalitarianism and Hitler’s regime as two sides of the same coin.
But the
Kremlin is pandering rashly and none too intelligently to the unenlightened,
socially backward half of Russia, refusing to understand that this bloc has no
future. In short, the schism has led Russia into an ideological civil war.

Apparently a little known terrorist group called Soldiers of Levant has claimed responsiblity for the attack on the British consulate in New York. While the basic newspapers aren’t reporting it; citing that police don’t think it’s credible, I think, personally, that the police don’t want a panic. Credible or not, this is scary stuff. I’m inclined to believe it; and I think that this whole thing is being played down– and it shouldn’t. This is all of matter of time in my opinion; Americans shouldn’t be ignoring it– we knew that terrorists were going to try again, and now it seems they have.

How can I make this clear? We’re at war, we have been for long time now. It hasn’t always been real to us because most of the time it’s not on our soil. But it was on that day. It may be again today or tomorrow or the next day. This isn’t an incident we can brush aside as trivial. There are hundreds of people who want us dead, simply because we are Americans. Think about that for a minute. There are people out there, right now, cleaning their AK-47s, and think, inshallah (god willing), I can murder that American. Thinking, desiring, thirsting over your blood. Isn’t that a little disturbing? Just a bit? That’s not to scare anyone into doing something, that’s the truth. So when Americans wake up to an incident like the one that just occured in New York, we should be reflecting on it and what we can do to stop it– not merely waving it aside.

AKI
SITE Institute

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